It is strange to think that all I am as a person, is wrapped up in my mind alone.
My mind that moves with such agility between extremes, content and restless,
hopeful and hopeless, in love and just friends.
Male and female.
My mind has always preferred the gray areas, I think because I like the vagueness.
People sometimes ask me, why don’t you like to be called a woman? Why don’t you feel desire like everyone else?
Because my mind prefers to shrug off questions like that.
I prefer to be me, nothing more nothing less.
I don’t feel like just a woman, I don’t feel the need for sex barely at all. There’s so much more to me than the simple answers that people expect.
So I just prefer to be vague and hope my mind is agile enough to miss the creeping guilt when I see the disappointment that always comes with my less than satisfactory answers
to questions I hate being asked.
My body used to be more flexible, I did gymnastics, cheerleading, volleyball, soccer.
So many ways that my body was moving and working, trying to keep up with the speed of my brain that moved so quickly from one interest to another.
But now all my agility seems to be gone.
I don’t run, I don’t fly through the air, I’m so very grounded.
My doctors say it will make my pain worse, so I don’t do much anymore.
And people ask me, why are you so lazy?
I’m not really.
But no one asks, do you miss it?
The answer is always yes.