Cracked

via Costume

There is a crack in me, I can feel my health draining out,

it is a crack so fine no one notices.

But I can feel the leak.

I can feel it.

Something old and something new

via Lecture

I don’t mean to lecture so I’ll keep this brief.

Balance in your life is what makes happiness an overarching theme. Balance is what I strive for.

Finding a balance in my life is hard, and I use many different ways to understand myself better to understand how to live a more healthy life in a holistic way.  Some of those ways include a lot of old practices that have been done by many people of many cultures for a very long time; divination, journaling of a more intuitive/emotional nature, and interpreting my dreams (when I have them and when they’re relevant at least, because who wants to interpret why I went rollerblading indoors?).

I was wondering if those of you lovely people who follow me would like it if I documented the spiritualistic side of myself as well? I’d love feedback from you all, so please leave a comment and tell me what you think. That way I can give you more varied content that still sticks to the theme of the blog, self-understanding, and documentation of my life.

Thanks for contributing to making this blog better,

Ta An

Don’t ask

via Sympathize

Don’t dare ask me what

it’s live to like this, it’s

empty sympathy.

Faulty Product

via Conveyor

Made with decay built in,

slowly crumbling to dust.

I was one of millions.

Constructed and laid

on the conveyor belt,

left to a lazy inspector who didn’t 

look close enough. 

A faulty product.

Smothered by a silk pillow

via Stifle

Fibromyalgia is more than just pain.

It’s feeling like everything is slowly slipping away from you because you’re not fast enough. It’s the panic that creeps up on you, bit by bit until it stifles you completely. It’s making decisions that feel like you’re quitting even though you’re doing it for your health. Then doubting yourself, unsure if you’re just afraid to fail. It’s disappointing everyone you love in some way, and then disappointing yourself. It’s making sacrifices that hurt your pride and leave a bitter taste in your mouth. It’s giving up things you love because you just don’t think you can do it anymore. It’s having to act like you’re 60 when you’re 19 to make sure you don’t overtire yourself. It’s having to realize that at 19 you can overtire yourself. It’s the fear of having to explain why you can’t do something anymore because you don’t know how people will understand that even stress alone terrifies you because of the pain that it entails.

Having fibromyalgia is like being smothered by a silk pillow.

Gentle, slow, but no less suffocating.

Bells

via Tardy

Echoing in my ears, the bells, the bells.

Late, they sing, too late, too late.

And yet my body doesn’t move any faster.

Why can’t I move any faster?

Tired, it says, so tired, so tired.

I think I’ll lay down to rest.

Heavy on my tongue

via Blink

If I become still,

If I blink very slowly,

They might believe it.

Made of dark marble.

Unable to feel this pain.

My body, peaceful.

Not a real person,

not a person who curses at

Gods they don’t worship.

Just silence and stone,

Nothing to actually

require comfort.

I must trick myself,

If I’m very good maybe

Then it won’t hurt so.

 

These words so heavy

So very heavy on my

Ever silent tongue.

Quiet

via Blink

It is quiet now,

The stars blink above me as I lay restless.

And still, all I can do is imagine.

Dream of what I should say so no one figures out,

I know very little about how to inhabit this life.

I don’t know how to accept this sleepiness that haunts me,

or the gentle aching deep in my bones.

But it is quiet now,

And the stars only stand watch over me,

offering silent comfort in that distant way of theirs.

Fairy Lights

via Blink

I remember them,

Beautiful, soft, fairy lights,

A thousand of them.

Gentle golden light,

Blinking slowly as I sleep,

A subtle morse code.

A slower day, stop.

To my body it orders.

Sleeping I obey.

The lights, my body,

Who is in control of me?

Of this pain I hold?

Neither can end it,

So I rest watching the lights,

Blinking down at me.

Thread

via Shock

To see it snap was a shock to none,

they had been waiting for quite some time.

How long would it last, they said,

until it could hold no more.

Patience, calm, rationality,

all gone when I finally understood.

This wouldn’t end.

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