That’s not what this is, what’s going on right now.
This isn’t a game.
There can be no compromising.
Either you want me in your life or you don’t.
Either you respect me and my space or you don’t.
Either I’m worth it to you or I’m not.
Make up your mind.
I’ve already made up mine.
If we can reach an agreement, you can have me.
All I need from you is respect and love and attention.
Then I’m yours.
Isn’t that a bargain?
All of me, for basic decency.
When I was younger, the most cherished word in my vocabulary was compromise.
I thought it meant I get what I want in return for a small favor, but still.
It was my favorite word.
Now though, I don’t like it as much.
I compromise too often, on things I should never compromise about.
I compromise in situations where I’m left uncomfortable, unhappy, or both.
It’s no longer my favorite word because it’s made me stop valuing my own boundaries.
I’ll have to find a new favorite word.
This desire in me is ungodly.
There is courage in tossing aside a mantle of purity and accepting the ugliness in me.
There is a dark satisfaction in defying everyone who wants me to doubt myself
and loving myself to pieces instead.
This desire I have, to be my own beloved first and foremost,
needs no god to thank.
This desire I grew in my own dreams, in my own heart.
I recently bought the Isis Oracle deck by Alana Fairchild. I was drawn to it, both because of it’s Egyptian symbology and because the artwork was stunning, and once I started working with it it just made sense.
I’ve recently been doing a lot of readings and in several of them I’ve pulled the Temple of Carnelian card.
The meaning attached to the card comes from the Goddess on the card, Sekmet. She is the Egyptian goddess of courage, passion and fire.
This card, in my own understanding of the pages dedicated to explaining the card in the accompanying book that came with the cards, is an indicator that you need to be brave enough to take the risk of sticking to your convictions regardless of the reaction you’re going to get from other people.
In my personal experience, this is a very hard thing to do.
I don’t like disappointing people or causing conflict, and in many cases I keep finding ways to compromise and keep everyone happy instead of sticking to what I know is best and healthiest for me.
So I think the main reason I keep pulling this card is that I need to stop compromising where I shouldn’t have to. I deserve to have my needs and boundaries respected just as much as the people I’m always trying to please.
No matter how much you try to please other people, unless they’re putting for the same effort to please you and keep you comfortable, you’re going to be the one who loses. Everytime. So don’t forget to take care of yourself sometimes. That’s what I’ve been working on ever since I got to college, and it’s made me feel so much better about the life I’m living.
So I think I’ll be brave, and stick to the conviction that loving myself enough to take care of myself is the best way to live.
I think it’s important to explain, before I start talking about my current spiritual explorations, what my ideas on spirituality and religion were before.
I was never a particularly religious or spiritual person when I was younger. I was quite content to ignore all of that ‘nonsense’ as I thought of it and just live my life how I wanted to. Not listening to a religious book that was trying to tell me what to do. I couldn’t stand rules that I couldn’t understand and none of the religious texts that gave rules for me to follow made sense to me.
However my father, who despite all his strictly academic leanings, came from a family that believed in the mystic side of spirituality and Islam. He would tell me stories of magic and dreams that fascinated me as a child but began to lose their luster as I grew up. Now though, I admit that I remember all he told me and have found myself trying to figure out what it means for me.
Currently my views on spirituality leans less towards religion and more towards individual growth and discovery. I think one of the most interesting ways I’ve found spirituality described as is a relationship with between a lover and a beloved. The divine being the Beloved, and me being the lover. I think this is a good way to think about it because to me, my spirituality is an intimate thing. I like the idea of closeness that it implies and I like the idea of not feeling so firmly separated from divinity in the way that traditional religions make me feel.
So now I read oracle cards and other methods of divination to channel my own energy for the purpose of discovering things about myself and sometimes my friends. I write down my thoughts, some thoughts that are mine and some thoughts that come from deep within my mind. I meditate and I keep track of what I see while meditating. I keep stones and crystals with me to draw strength and other positive/protective energies from them.
I’ve found out so much about myself already that I truly believe it has been helpful to me to start on this more spiritualistic path. So I hope sharing these experiences and discoveries might help someone get inspiration to try these practices themselves, or be helpful in someway to someone. That’s what I always hope is the result of my writing, that I help someone in some way.
So all in all, that’s my backstory. Now I’ll start posting about my spirituality and all things related. Maybe not every day like my other posts but steadily.
I hope you all gain something from it or at least find it interesting.
There is a crack in me, I can feel my health draining out,
it is a crack so fine no one notices.
But I can feel the leak.
I can feel it.
I don’t mean to lecture so I’ll keep this brief.
Balance in your life is what makes happiness an overarching theme. Balance is what I strive for.
Finding a balance in my life is hard, and I use many different ways to understand myself better to understand how to live a more healthy life in a holistic way. Some of those ways include a lot of old practices that have been done by many people of many cultures for a very long time; divination, journaling of a more intuitive/emotional nature, and interpreting my dreams (when I have them and when they’re relevant at least, because who wants to interpret why I went rollerblading indoors?).
I was wondering if those of you lovely people who follow me would like it if I documented the spiritualistic side of myself as well? I’d love feedback from you all, so please leave a comment and tell me what you think. That way I can give you more varied content that still sticks to the theme of the blog, self-understanding, and documentation of my life.
Thanks for contributing to making this blog better,
We have a rule in my house,
no lectures by my father until after nine o’clock in the morning,
no lectures after nine o’clock at night.
He’s a long winded man who likes the sound of his own voice and repeats himself often.
He didn’t seem to catch on to the fact that sometimes we just wanted to forget about our intellect for a while.
We just wanted to be a family that laughed together.
I think love is a very quiet thing.
It is a decision, a commitment, a promise. A murmur of affection, a quiet evening spent in companionable silence. And it is also something soft and warm that sleeps with you at night. I know because I made this promise to myself. My love of myself, as tenuous as it is, is necessary. I keep myself warm with thoughts of forgiveness and understanding of myself and my shortcomings. I may be left bewildered by how I manage to make so many mistakes, but I find ways to say to myself, it’s okay. Try again. If some days are harder than others, then that’s okay too. But I will try to remember that even on the coldest winter nights, I managed to remember that I deserve my love more than anyone else.
So, to my own heart, I love you.