Child’s play

via Compromise

 

That’s not what this is, what’s going on right now.

This isn’t a game.

There can be no compromising.

Either you want me in your life or you don’t.

Either you respect me and my space or you don’t.

Either I’m worth it to you or I’m not.

Make up your mind.

I’ve already made up mine.

Bargain

via Compromise

 

If we can reach an agreement, you can have me.

All I need from you is respect and love and attention.

Then I’m yours.

Isn’t that a bargain?

All of me, for basic decency.

My favorite word

via Compromise

 

When I was younger, the most cherished word in my vocabulary was compromise.

I thought it meant I get what I want in return for a small favor, but still.

It was my favorite word.

Now though, I don’t like it as much. 

I compromise too often, on things I should never compromise about.

I compromise in situations where I’m left uncomfortable, unhappy, or both.

It’s no longer my favorite word because it’s made me stop valuing my own boundaries.

I’ll have to find a new favorite word.

Perhaps two.

Self-respect.

The dark gift

via Present

If you gave me this present on my birthday it would be fitting,

the darkest day of the year after all.

This gift seems to like the dark, it thrives in it.

When I opened the box it immediately burrowed inside my chest,

looking for a quiet dark spot to curl up and rest.

It was the best gift I could’ve gotten, stillness.

And in the still night of my soul, divinity was born.

IV

via Present

I give you the gift

of all my thoughts and prayers

of gods and demons.

I give you the gift

of the present day worries 

that haunt me nightly.

 

I give you the gift

of sleepy, slow, soft kisses

softer I love you’s.

 

I give you the gift

of me, unabashed and free

stripped completely bare.

Ungodly

via Courage
 

This desire in me is ungodly.

There is courage in tossing aside a mantle of purity and accepting the ugliness in me.

There is a dark satisfaction in defying everyone who wants me to doubt myself

and loving myself to pieces instead.

This desire I have, to be my own beloved first and foremost,

needs no god to thank. 

This desire I grew in my own dreams, in my own heart.

Temple of Carnelian

via Courage

I recently bought the Isis Oracle deck by Alana Fairchild. I was drawn to it, both because of it’s Egyptian symbology and because the artwork was stunning, and once I started working with it it just made sense.

I’ve recently been doing a lot of readings and in several of them I’ve pulled the Temple of Carnelian card.

The meaning attached to the card comes from the Goddess on the card, Sekmet. She is the Egyptian goddess of courage, passion and fire.

This card, in my own understanding of the pages dedicated to explaining the card in the accompanying book that came with the cards, is an indicator that you need to be brave enough to take the risk of sticking to your convictions regardless of the reaction you’re going to get from other people.

In my personal experience, this is a very hard thing to do.

I don’t like disappointing people or causing conflict, and in many cases I keep finding ways to compromise and keep everyone happy instead of sticking to what I know is best and healthiest for me.

So I think the main reason I keep pulling this card is that I need to stop compromising where I shouldn’t have to. I deserve to have my needs and boundaries respected just as much as the people I’m always trying to please.

No matter how much you try to please other people, unless they’re putting for the same effort to please you and keep you comfortable, you’re going to be the one who loses. Everytime. So don’t forget to take care of yourself sometimes. That’s what I’ve been working on ever since I got to college, and it’s made me feel so much better about the life I’m living.

So I think I’ll be brave, and stick to the conviction that loving myself enough to take care of myself is the best way to live.

Ta An

Like a rose

via Courage

It takes great strength and courage, 

to grow like a rose.

Full of thorns and distrust,

but soft and sweet once the right care allows you to blossom.

What came before

I think it’s important to explain, before I start talking about my current spiritual explorations, what my ideas on spirituality and religion were before.

I was never a particularly religious or spiritual person when I was younger. I was quite content to ignore all of that ‘nonsense’ as I thought of it and just live my life how I wanted to. Not listening to a religious book that was trying to tell me what to do. I couldn’t stand rules that I couldn’t understand and none of the religious texts that gave rules for me to follow made sense to me.

However my father, who despite all his strictly academic leanings, came from a family that believed in the mystic side of spirituality and Islam. He would tell me stories of magic and dreams that fascinated me as a child but began to lose their luster as I grew up. Now though, I admit that I remember all he told me and have found myself trying to figure out what it means for me.

Currently my views on spirituality leans less towards religion and more towards individual growth and discovery. I think one of the most interesting ways I’ve found spirituality described as is a relationship with between a lover and a beloved. The divine being the Beloved, and me being the lover. I think this is a good way to think about it because to me, my spirituality is an intimate thing. I like the idea of closeness that it implies and I like the idea of not feeling so firmly separated from divinity in the way that traditional religions make me feel.

So now I read oracle cards and other methods of divination to channel my own energy for the purpose of discovering things about myself and sometimes my friends. I write down my thoughts, some thoughts that are mine and some thoughts that come from deep within my mind. I meditate and I keep track of what I see while meditating. I keep stones and crystals with me to draw strength and other positive/protective energies from them.

I’ve found out so much about myself already that I truly believe it has been helpful to me to start on this more spiritualistic path. So I hope sharing these experiences and discoveries might help someone get inspiration to try these practices themselves, or be helpful in someway to someone. That’s what I always hope is the result of my writing, that I help someone in some way.

So all in all, that’s my backstory. Now I’ll start posting about my spirituality and all things related. Maybe not every day like my other posts but steadily.

I hope you all gain something from it or at least find it interesting.

Ta An

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